I fucking LOVE The Little Prince. I mean....I don't know, that book makes tears roll down my cheeks everytime....Goddamn. I have no idea why we are the only ones that write....perhaps because we like to write? Also, we have so many interesting things to say....I think so, anyways. :-)
Ok. I need a vacation from fucking people. Seriously, do I have something tattooed on my forehead that reads, "Personal Bitch to Mankind"??? I am very frustrated with humanity as of late....I'm sick of guys that are always trying to be like, "hey, baby....you're single, I'm single....lets get it on." Or something. It's like, they just want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship....or they want a piece of ass. Either one is fucking lame. And it's ALWAYS the freaks. I got hit on today by the scary-looking guy selling booze at the liquor store. I'm supposedly really bitchy because I won't date this other guy who says I don't have the right to want to be single when there are people like himself who have never been in a relationship before, so I should stop being so selfish and just date him, even though I've never met him, and never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever intend to. (Some fucking friend of Nate Feutz) I hate that every conversation with a boy has to be something stupid and sexual and "what are you wearing for panties" bullshit and then I hate that I'm a "bitch" cuz I'm not interested in being a walking fucking blow-up doll. I'm annoyed that the ones I'm interested in are never the ones that are interested in me, which I can get over, but then the ones I'm NOT interested in won't get off my back. I HATE MEN. I mean...can't they just leave me ALONE??!!!!! I just want to be by myself, able to sing and dance in my underwear in the street at 2am if I so choose, and be able to be with my friends when I want, and not have someone telling me I'm wrong or stupid or different, or some dumb-ass shit like that. But no. Even when I'm single I'm supposed to be submissive. I'm so sorry they don't like that I refuse....cry me a fucking river.
4.30.2003
Which Little Prince character are you?
Finally...a stupid internet quiz that gave me accurate results. God, I love Antoine de St. Exupery. Well....I guess I can't say that, having only read The Little Prince. Revision: God, I love The Little Prince. I tried to read it to Jillian once, but she got bored. She must be a grown-up. Eeeeew. I made John Henry read it...he liked it, for whatever that's worth.
I am the pilot.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
Jamie, have you noticed that we seem to be the only ones who write in here with any amount of regularity? Why is that, do you suppose?
Finally...a stupid internet quiz that gave me accurate results. God, I love Antoine de St. Exupery. Well....I guess I can't say that, having only read The Little Prince. Revision: God, I love The Little Prince. I tried to read it to Jillian once, but she got bored. She must be a grown-up. Eeeeew. I made John Henry read it...he liked it, for whatever that's worth.
I am the pilot.
Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
Jamie, have you noticed that we seem to be the only ones who write in here with any amount of regularity? Why is that, do you suppose?
4.28.2003
I wonder how one goes about getting Carrie Bradshaw's job on Sex and the City. Probably selling oneself to the devil. I know I'd be good at it....what are my favorite topics for discussion besides love, sex and the idiocy of modern romance? :-) I need ideas for a career....preferably one that involves writing or dancing....:-) Brainstorm, people. Keep in mind that money isn't all that important, I just need to feed myself and pay for rent. I look forward to your reply. :-)
My nonfiction professor has a recurring dream in which she mistakenly picks up Alice Munro's drycleaning and, out of fear that Alice Munro will hate her, doesn't return it.
How perfect. How absolutely fucking perfect for a writer. I wish that it was my dream. But no. Last night I dreamed that Dana Wood and I were eating pretzel-covered marshmallows while standing outside of a cheese hut. Not exactly a metaphoric, writerly dream. (I wonder what Freud would say about it?) My professor's dream, on the other hand? It seems like the stuff of stories, not of real life...but that's Allyson for you. She's a living work of fiction in a lot of ways. The woman was a lounge singer, for crying out loud. Real people are not lounge singers, are they? (A Jewish lounge singers, no less...)
Allyson is the model writer in every way. She's from L.A. She's a creative writing professor. She can write. She's been published in multiple genres. She's working on a novel and her short story collection is in the process of being published. She has subscriptions to both Harpers and The New Yorker. She's married to a semi-famous poet. She dreams about Alice Munro. Repeatedly.
And what do I do? I write shitty fiction and almost passable nonfiction. I avoid poetry, poetry readings, and all things poetic just as I would avoid the plague. I'm scared of writers because they intimidate me. I am not a writer...not yet. I'm waiting for the transformation, hoping that it'll come sooner than later...
P.S.: Jolene, love is overrated and you know it. You've probably just got that whole spring-love-complex. Everyone is getting married, everyone is walking around outside holding hands, the animal kingdom is getting it on in full swing... I think that every single person in the entire world feels like shit this time of year. Just remember: What is Jolene's favorite display item at the Museum? (Think of the Museum Book - now online! - if you don't remember, though I'm sure you do.)
How perfect. How absolutely fucking perfect for a writer. I wish that it was my dream. But no. Last night I dreamed that Dana Wood and I were eating pretzel-covered marshmallows while standing outside of a cheese hut. Not exactly a metaphoric, writerly dream. (I wonder what Freud would say about it?) My professor's dream, on the other hand? It seems like the stuff of stories, not of real life...but that's Allyson for you. She's a living work of fiction in a lot of ways. The woman was a lounge singer, for crying out loud. Real people are not lounge singers, are they? (A Jewish lounge singers, no less...)
Allyson is the model writer in every way. She's from L.A. She's a creative writing professor. She can write. She's been published in multiple genres. She's working on a novel and her short story collection is in the process of being published. She has subscriptions to both Harpers and The New Yorker. She's married to a semi-famous poet. She dreams about Alice Munro. Repeatedly.
And what do I do? I write shitty fiction and almost passable nonfiction. I avoid poetry, poetry readings, and all things poetic just as I would avoid the plague. I'm scared of writers because they intimidate me. I am not a writer...not yet. I'm waiting for the transformation, hoping that it'll come sooner than later...
P.S.: Jolene, love is overrated and you know it. You've probably just got that whole spring-love-complex. Everyone is getting married, everyone is walking around outside holding hands, the animal kingdom is getting it on in full swing... I think that every single person in the entire world feels like shit this time of year. Just remember: What is Jolene's favorite display item at the Museum? (Think of the Museum Book - now online! - if you don't remember, though I'm sure you do.)
4.26.2003
Jolene--
Know what? Dating sucks ASS. I mean, I SO am feeling you on the love thing right now, but I mean....I can understand what you're feeling. I used to date like a bitch, man....go on a date, find that the person is psychotic in some way, or just not....hmmm....right. If they don't like me, I think they're bastards though I obsess over what it is about me that they don't like....and if they DO, then I KNOW its cuz they're desperate, cuz there's no way someone could like ME after a first date, I have to prove myself first. It seems like....no one is a romantic anymore. I want to feel that vibe, that sparkle, that....MMMMMM....feeling....and everyone else just wants to have a relationship for fun or cuz everyone else is doing it. Don't give up on being choosy, girl. Don't settle for anything less, no matter how lonely you feel at any given moment. And you will. Feel lonely, that is. DAMN will it suck sometimes....but it's like having an episode. It'll go away. It'll come back, sure. But it'll go away again. And so it goes....and it's liveable....because you know you're waiting for something true and right. No facades, Jolene. They're lame and you know you want it real.
Know what? Dating sucks ASS. I mean, I SO am feeling you on the love thing right now, but I mean....I can understand what you're feeling. I used to date like a bitch, man....go on a date, find that the person is psychotic in some way, or just not....hmmm....right. If they don't like me, I think they're bastards though I obsess over what it is about me that they don't like....and if they DO, then I KNOW its cuz they're desperate, cuz there's no way someone could like ME after a first date, I have to prove myself first. It seems like....no one is a romantic anymore. I want to feel that vibe, that sparkle, that....MMMMMM....feeling....and everyone else just wants to have a relationship for fun or cuz everyone else is doing it. Don't give up on being choosy, girl. Don't settle for anything less, no matter how lonely you feel at any given moment. And you will. Feel lonely, that is. DAMN will it suck sometimes....but it's like having an episode. It'll go away. It'll come back, sure. But it'll go away again. And so it goes....and it's liveable....because you know you're waiting for something true and right. No facades, Jolene. They're lame and you know you want it real.
4.23.2003
Jamie:Two things.
1. I don't need mutant friends to make me feel better about myself. I'm quite satisfied with myself, thank you very much. :)
2. If I did need mutant friends for self-gratification, I've got Andy. And shit...I dated John Henry for how long? Right. So why would I need you for that purpose?
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Disclaimer in case Andy is reading this (which he's not): Andy is not scary looking, disfigured, etc. He just looks like Andy. I just use him as my example because it's so easy to pick on him. I mean, the kid owns bicycle shorts and a fancy-ass Speedo...
Disclaimer in case John Henry is reading this (which he's definitley not): I miss you, kid. John Henry isn't a mutant any more than Jamie is, by the way. So.
1. I don't need mutant friends to make me feel better about myself. I'm quite satisfied with myself, thank you very much. :)
2. If I did need mutant friends for self-gratification, I've got Andy. And shit...I dated John Henry for how long? Right. So why would I need you for that purpose?
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Disclaimer in case Andy is reading this (which he's not): Andy is not scary looking, disfigured, etc. He just looks like Andy. I just use him as my example because it's so easy to pick on him. I mean, the kid owns bicycle shorts and a fancy-ass Speedo...
Disclaimer in case John Henry is reading this (which he's definitley not): I miss you, kid. John Henry isn't a mutant any more than Jamie is, by the way. So.
I bought my girlfriend's new album today, of course. I love it. Shocker. :-)
I'm on the rag, and as you all know, that's never a good time for me....Anyway...I feel like a disgusting, useless and worthless piece of shit that contributes absolutely NOTHING to society, and not only that, I'm ugly and gross and disfigured and asymmetrical and I KNOW children are frightened of my horrid appearance. Just call me Quasimodo. And though I've sort of denounced relationships and love for myself, temporarily at least, its very upsetting to know that no one desires or fancies me, even though I don't want it, its the principle of the thing. I just think its horribly unfair that not only am I cursed with this nose, I've also got NO visible cheekbones, just fatty cheeks, I have fat Jagger lips, HORRIBLY crooked teeth....I'm a mess. My parents must have lost a bet with God. I know you people think its funny, but it's NOT fucking funny. Know why you hang out with me? Cuz I'm the ugly friend that makes ya'll feel better about yourselves. "Hey, Man...no matter HOW bad things get, at least I don't look like QuasiJamie." I hate everybody. :-(
I'm on the rag, and as you all know, that's never a good time for me....Anyway...I feel like a disgusting, useless and worthless piece of shit that contributes absolutely NOTHING to society, and not only that, I'm ugly and gross and disfigured and asymmetrical and I KNOW children are frightened of my horrid appearance. Just call me Quasimodo. And though I've sort of denounced relationships and love for myself, temporarily at least, its very upsetting to know that no one desires or fancies me, even though I don't want it, its the principle of the thing. I just think its horribly unfair that not only am I cursed with this nose, I've also got NO visible cheekbones, just fatty cheeks, I have fat Jagger lips, HORRIBLY crooked teeth....I'm a mess. My parents must have lost a bet with God. I know you people think its funny, but it's NOT fucking funny. Know why you hang out with me? Cuz I'm the ugly friend that makes ya'll feel better about yourselves. "Hey, Man...no matter HOW bad things get, at least I don't look like QuasiJamie." I hate everybody. :-(
4.21.2003
Hey girlz. I don't remember 17 Bottles of... my memory is that bad. I don't know why I can't remember things as well as any normal person. *sigh* remind me.
Oh, and I wasn't invited to dan's wedding. This must be a mistake!
What's the difference between the 'Post' and 'Post & Publish' buttons? I guess I'll find out...
Oh, and I wasn't invited to dan's wedding. This must be a mistake!
What's the difference between the 'Post' and 'Post & Publish' buttons? I guess I'll find out...
I've learned a lot of things while in college, most of which are largely unimportant. The truth is, my religion major has taught me nothing but trivia (albeit highly interesting trivia). And my creative writing major? I honestly don't feel as though I learned anything in my English classes. I must have absorbed something because my writing has significantly improved, but I can't think of a single thing that I've actually learned. I think I've just been practicing more.
That's not to say that I didn't learn anything of value in college, because I did. I've learned some of the most important lessons in the world here. I've learned that you can try and try and try and still not be rewarded for your efforts. I've learned that there are times when life simply will not work out the way you want it to, and there won't be a damn thing you can do about it except to accept it. I've learned that you can't make old friends and that it's incredibly important to keep the ones you've got. I've seen that there are different measures of success and failure, and I've seen that when people are measuring on two different scales the results are disasterous. I've learned the importance of holding on to the hope that some day things will get better even though they most likely won't. I've learned how wonderful it is to be independent...and how utterly terrifying it is.
I guess my point is this: Life happens, and as much as you think you're in control of it, you're not. Life will do what it wants to do; it'll happen regardless of whether or not you want it to. Life has no regard for individual wishes or desperate pleas. Life is on its course already - and maybe we can influence it to a degree, but it's largely not up to us.
Call it god, call it destiny, call it life. What happens to each one of us is the culmination of a million different factors and circumstances that are absolutely out of our control. Maybe the guy who reads my grad school portfolio at Goucher will be in a really shitty mood that day because it's his first day back at work after his son was diagnosed with leukemia and will therefore reject anybody he reads that day. So it goes. The only thing one can do is hope - and not really believe - that it'll work out somehow.
Not that one shouldn't try...because effort never hurt anyone.
That's not to say that I didn't learn anything of value in college, because I did. I've learned some of the most important lessons in the world here. I've learned that you can try and try and try and still not be rewarded for your efforts. I've learned that there are times when life simply will not work out the way you want it to, and there won't be a damn thing you can do about it except to accept it. I've learned that you can't make old friends and that it's incredibly important to keep the ones you've got. I've seen that there are different measures of success and failure, and I've seen that when people are measuring on two different scales the results are disasterous. I've learned the importance of holding on to the hope that some day things will get better even though they most likely won't. I've learned how wonderful it is to be independent...and how utterly terrifying it is.
I guess my point is this: Life happens, and as much as you think you're in control of it, you're not. Life will do what it wants to do; it'll happen regardless of whether or not you want it to. Life has no regard for individual wishes or desperate pleas. Life is on its course already - and maybe we can influence it to a degree, but it's largely not up to us.
Call it god, call it destiny, call it life. What happens to each one of us is the culmination of a million different factors and circumstances that are absolutely out of our control. Maybe the guy who reads my grad school portfolio at Goucher will be in a really shitty mood that day because it's his first day back at work after his son was diagnosed with leukemia and will therefore reject anybody he reads that day. So it goes. The only thing one can do is hope - and not really believe - that it'll work out somehow.
Not that one shouldn't try...because effort never hurt anyone.
4.18.2003
I think that Goddess worship is really something that I should get in on. I grow weary of patriarchal gods. Maybe if I pray to a filthy rich goddess she will make me rich as well. It's worth a shot :) I suppose I could just be a doctor and become rich that way. *sigh* What the fuck am I going to do with my life? I have to decide in the next few months as I begin to apply to grad schools.
4.17.2003
If I still had that boy I know that I wouldn't be considering this - at least, not seriously. But, without him - without tying myself to him (because he certainly never tied himself to me) - it's a realistic possiblity. Maybe I am better off without him, without the confinement of love, without the uncertainty of the union's permanence. Everyone always concentrates on the fairy dust and the magic; everyone always glosses over the heartache - if it's acknowledge it all. So f*ck it. I'm through. At least, for a very long time.
Is anyone interested in starting up a Pagan goddess cult? Let me know... We can initiate ourselves as priestesses, and bear homage to Erzulie, our patron mother; lwa of beauty, spirituality, femininty, and love. She's a great goddess - she's got three divine husbands and countless human lovers...she's naughty, demanding, and filthy rich. Maybe we can even create a sacred holiday just so we can dance naked in the light of a full moon. It'll be fun.
Is anyone interested in starting up a Pagan goddess cult? Let me know... We can initiate ourselves as priestesses, and bear homage to Erzulie, our patron mother; lwa of beauty, spirituality, femininty, and love. She's a great goddess - she's got three divine husbands and countless human lovers...she's naughty, demanding, and filthy rich. Maybe we can even create a sacred holiday just so we can dance naked in the light of a full moon. It'll be fun.
A few weeks ago I would have shuddered at the idea of a life without love....but now I think that love, other than the love of friends and family is really just something....I don't know. Nonexistent? No, not that, I know it exists....it just seems that the price is too high to pay. Shadowed eyes and stringy, unkept hair and bleeding lips from being bitten and dried tears numbing your face.....its kind of disgusting. One can't just say that that is unrequited love, because I see it in other people's relationships where it actually exists between both people....when does the good turn to angry obsession? Maybe I'm in a phase, but its not like its an angry one. I'm not angry with love nor am I against it...I just think maybe I wasn't suited for it...or it for me. Its just frightening how much happier I am without it. No feelings of need, regret, fear, sadness, self-hatred. It was always built up in my mind...I thought I NEEDED it, like there was NOTHING good in life without it....I'd built up this decision that I couldn't get past, that I am nothing without another half to me. Now I know that I am everything without. The freedom overwhelms me, its so....high. I'm so high on it and I can't figure out how it is that I"m not afraid, I've ALWAYS been afraid...I'm afraid to not be afraid. :-)
4.16.2003
Sig told me to write something, and I couldn't think of much! That sucks that Dan and I are getting married i on the same day! It was my day first, though! : ) Just kidding, I'm happy for him and wish you all the best Dan!
But too the good stuff! I am sure you have all heard me whine about my roommate - Mayte - from last year, right? The asian chick that was really obnoxious and complained 24/7 and wanted me to buy her ONE new orange colored pencil because I sharpened it once and it was 1/4 of a freaking centimeter shorter than the rest?? Anyways, get this - out of the blue she stopped by my room and left me a note on my board - we have such a deep bond we don't even acknowledge each other in passing - so this was way weird. I get in and she has also emailed me?! Here's her emergency: she went to the College Democrat's state convention and got "drunk beyond oblivious" (she's not an English major), and met this hot guy named Matt Gehrend, from Rapids, and wants to know if I know him, apparently she feels bad cuz he has a girlfriend, but she wants to see if she can get more out of him?I sure hope he was really drunk, otherwise there was no excuse for that!
But too the good stuff! I am sure you have all heard me whine about my roommate - Mayte - from last year, right? The asian chick that was really obnoxious and complained 24/7 and wanted me to buy her ONE new orange colored pencil because I sharpened it once and it was 1/4 of a freaking centimeter shorter than the rest?? Anyways, get this - out of the blue she stopped by my room and left me a note on my board - we have such a deep bond we don't even acknowledge each other in passing - so this was way weird. I get in and she has also emailed me?! Here's her emergency: she went to the College Democrat's state convention and got "drunk beyond oblivious" (she's not an English major), and met this hot guy named Matt Gehrend, from Rapids, and wants to know if I know him, apparently she feels bad cuz he has a girlfriend, but she wants to see if she can get more out of him?I sure hope he was really drunk, otherwise there was no excuse for that!
My husband just invited me to his own wedding. That's messed up. Urs, you have to go, and you have to make a mental note of everything. He asked me for your address in order to send an invite, so you officially have no excuse for not being there. Sadly, I will not be in attendance because Dan's wedding is the same day as this other wedding. And I can't skip that one, beacuse I'm the maid of honor.
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